So you spent the weekend outside. And you were wearing one of those trendy, adorable little something or others with the crisscrossed straps? And you didn’t put on enough sun screen, did you? Of course you didn’t. And now you’re in human lobster agony, aren’t you? Let’s do something about that.

You probably already feel dumb about getting sunburned in the first place, but if you don’t, you should. It’s a scientific fact that too much sun will turn you into a walking, talking leather handbag with cancer, and both the Tan Mom and the cast of Jersey Shore and every one of its unholy spawn reality stars demonstrate that deliberate tanning is gauche. But even more gauche are unsightly burn lines, peeling dead skin, blisters, and constant skin irritation. Thankfully, there are things probably lying around your house right now that can help you emerge from this burn experience with as little embarrassment and pain as possible.

Aloe vera gel is a product that exists expressly to minimize the effects of sunburn, which was always funny to me because never, not once in my life that I’ve had a sunburn has aloe vera gel done shit to make me feel better. If anything, aloe vera gel has made my life more slimy and changed my skin into a high viscosity precancer zone. When I apply aloe vera gel, I feel ever ready to go on the world’s most painful Slip n Slide ride. I’m sure that it must work for some people in some far flung corner of the world, otherwise they wouldn’t keep selling it, so if it works for you, then more power to you. It’s just worthless to me.

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